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  • Architects of Sorrow [Feedback?]

    HypSandar

    Supporter
    Hey guys, i'm writing a book and so far i wrote the first chapter. Any thoughts?
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    Interlog

    This is a story of worlds within a different realm from our own, one that cannot be touched, heard, smelled nor seen, yet meditated under a guidance of one's mind.
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    Chapter 1: Arrival of the fittest


    I felt nauseous and rather unconscious, everything seemed blurry and unknown. I saw polished silver and iron. Confused i slowly i gathered my mind realizing that those were interior of a rather wide room. I started hearing blunt voices within the room, then i thought i heard my brother Peni, his hair was a bird's nest, he wore glasses, plain jeans and a white shirt. He seemed quiet confused as well. I tried to speak, but i felt as if i had a cold, though my nose felt under the same impression as the rest of my body, anesthetic. I knew i was drugged because i saw a mirror, a reflection of myself in it; deep dark brown hair, ragged jeans and a black shirt with two Chinese dragons on it, there was also a text on it "Rock'n Roll", outdated about a century, but when you live in the poor region of the planet, you don't get much cosmetic choices. I figured out that it wasn't real and it was the drug because the text wasn't mirrored, i could read it normally. I pressed my eyes, the mirror was no longer there. Eventually my sight and hearing started to recall. Room's architecture was shaped similarly to a classroom, instead of tables and chairs with computers, there were hugely advanced work desks with giant cables around the room. As i turned around i saw 2 guards by the door, they both wore helmets and armor, which colors were somewhat of grey and extremely light pink, i was rather unsure due to the drug which was wearing off, slowly and incompletely. There was also a female scientist who wore opened white robes with a cyan shirt alongside a guard standing next to her, this guard had a red rose pinned onto the location of his heart upon his armor. They seemed to have been talking and cut off as if they only now realized i was here, they bluntly stared at me, i stared back for a few seconds and then lowered my eyes away. As i did that, i saw three odd machines, they had a somewhat looks of poker tables yet advanced technology with unknown aspects to me. The scientist woman spoke "Cryptosleep Caskets." with a rather calm voice. I made an odd hippy sound of understanding and she continued. "This is where the three of you will" she slowed down and ironically said "rest," as she continued "until you arrive to the untouched surface of Alrakis." I responded with haste "You said three, there's only.." I stopped myself as i saw a shaded character who wore black jeans, white sneakers and a black hoodie hovering a part of her face, alongside light dark hair hovering the other part. She stood within the corner of the room and spoke slowly, with a rather dark, gothic voice "Elanor, you?". As if she wanted to stop the conversation from starting, the scientist continued. "You were chosen, same as 26 other teams because you have the basic survival and settling skills, each team contains three members with core skills; Combat, Intellect and a jack of all trades. However, these traits are too common and hold lesser use within this world". She set her left hand towards her right back pocket which Elanor found quiet amusing for some reason. The scientist pulled out an odd, star shaped metal device. She pressed it upon the floor, as we silently and slowly gathered around it, it sparked into a hologram of what seemed someone's shadow. It spoke with an extremely deep and dark voice, making Elanor's seem rather light. "You three were chosen because you hold no use to us within this world, you are to colonize a new anarchy world, each of the given groups are to create cities, counting 27 in total ready for our arrival. Backpack will be handed to with supplies per settler, one backpack contains medicine, a compass, food and seeds. The second backpack contains tools, such as 2 axes, a pickax, ropes and on world currency worth 100 silver. The third and final backpack contains weapons, three MP40 Rifles, three Glock 17 pistols and three M9 bayonet daggers. Expect hostiles, not all humanoid. You will arrive within 16 interval days, it will feel instant within the cryptosleep caskets. We are aware that not all will survive the fall, the planet's gravity is strong like any other, no technology can surpass that, the chances of survival are high, however they entirely depend on the terrain you land on." As his words vanished, so did the hologram. Peni chuckled in slight fear as he whispered quietly "I guess we are camping after all." Based on the thought that i kept trying to convince him that there's a forest left off within our world and that we should totally go camping. We did, next to a fabric, not a real forest, but hey, i guess things change. The scientist picked up the star and placed it back in her right back pocket, this time with her right hand. The guard that was next to her swiftly left the room, oddly i realized just now that the room had no door, just guards. The guard with the red rose mark returned shortly carrying three backpacks. Each were handed one backpack. The backpacks were purely black with copper zips. We were ordered to enter the cryptosleep caskets, still a little bit dazzled from the drugs. The scientist pressed a button on a small device she had under the sleeve of her white science robe, the caskets slowly opened, smoke leaving from the inside. Peni and Elanor got inside theirs simultaneously, i threw my backpack in and as i headed in i decided to say something with an optimistic tone: "Well, its certainly far better then waiting to die on this chunk of metal". Peni gave me a down tops look and made a slight smile using only one side of his mouth.. I said accordingly with a brother humorously voice "I thought that was my thing." As we laid in the caskets, they closed, all i could see is dark blue, not pure darkness, but dark blue..
     
    Hey man, that is some AMAZING work! You used many strong words, and the book is long, too! I, to be honest, enjoyed reading it. You should be an artrist in real life someday!

    Aye,

    -Zqptoz